see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
