I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
false alarm. still invincible.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
