hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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