I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
