so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Randomize
