Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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