well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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