Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
