I didn't shave. On purpose
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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