she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
