i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i drank out of a bidet.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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