You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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