happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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