I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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