do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
