Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
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A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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