And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
