Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Randomize
