We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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