Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
