i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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