Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
