I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
