If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
