Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize