Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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