I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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