Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
