Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
