just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
