Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
