Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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