the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
