Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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