You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
