At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
