I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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