he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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