i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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