We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
