there's paper in my vomit.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
