There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
