I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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