At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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