Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Walk of Shame today included voting.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.