My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
