I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
