So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Randomize
