how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
