I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
