My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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