Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
