Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
