My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
