you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
