so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
