I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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